My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar