My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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You learn something every day
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.