My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Chicken bread
