My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts