Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Cannot stop laughing at this

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

💀💀

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Word!

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit