My support group can outdrink your support group.
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This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The struggle is real.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.