Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Children of the corn 🌽

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Lol #dogsoftwitter

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.