My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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Bite me again
– my bottom lip
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*