My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either