My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
🤔😂😂
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Old old old old old west
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.