Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”