my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
You Might Also Like
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.