my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
You Might Also Like
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Free him
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?