my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
You Might Also Like
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Not all heroes wear capes.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
cats when you pet them too long:
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems