my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
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Bruh
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.