My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You Might Also Like
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.