My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]