My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Smile they said.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
🤔😂😂
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever