My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
How do dragons blow out candles?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…