My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.