My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.