My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.


6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*


Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste


Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.


I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.


I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.


I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”


I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”


maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do