My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this