@SexySpainNights

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

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@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

@QwertyJones3

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

@NatetheEnigma

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@Death_Buddy

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

@jonnysun

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do