My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.