My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Huge if true.
