Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

Breaking news:

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

I’m giving up for Lent.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull