My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
