My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.