My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Fries, not lies.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
my mom making me talk to relatives
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
who will stop them
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.