Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go girl power!

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft