My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Strangers have the best candy.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats