Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom