My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I missed you with all my darts
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever