Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

We avoided this particular disaster

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.