My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
#NoRestForTheWicked
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*