My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Feels
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
this came to me in a vision
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for