My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.