My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
You Might Also Like
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”