My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.