My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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Haha! 😂
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I just stopped by to water my horse.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.