Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

I only treason on days ending in y

こいつ天才

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

First I was a pebble..

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.