Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.