Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

This checks out

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”