my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone