my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Discuss
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
The Eggorcist
Accurate
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”