My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You Might Also Like
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
From my Mom
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.