My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler