Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

genius

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past