Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I can’t barge, I careen.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

shut up and take my money

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.