Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FunnyLife Insects

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Clients after you give them your rates

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.