my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?