My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet


The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.


Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*


[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!


An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.


Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure


[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe


HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too