Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
Put all the money in the bag and no one-
*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*
MOST people won’t get hurt!!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Waiter: black pepper?
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too