My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
You Might Also Like
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
he’ll never suspect a thing
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!