My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Does this dress make me look cat?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am