Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh the world we live in…

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.