Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God