My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.