Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

you have three unread messages

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

It’s his time

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings