My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Dietest Coke
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F