Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Cat is stressing him out.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit