Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.