My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Bringing home a sharpie
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors