My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Stop sending me this shit.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
me before I type out affect or effect
This is me 🤣🤣
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Something Saturday.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol