My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.