Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.