My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Born to be mild.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”