Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song