Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Left at a local drug store…

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice