Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Boy never ceases to amaze me

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

How actors in movies eat their food

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Doctors texting each other.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone