Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

😂 amazing answer

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.