My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
The game has officially changed 😎
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.