My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I have a type: disappointing
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Why? Just why? 😂
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars