My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.