My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Is this a threat?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse