My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Family Celebrity
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
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