Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me: