My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?